Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Profiles In Courage: Dan Halen

The recession is a great leveller. Just like death. Between death and a depression, I'd take the depression any day, but would it take me? -John Galt

Dan Halen hails from the north mountains of Georgia. He is an entrepreneur extraordinare, and seeks his fortune from the great recesses of hollows, ridgelines, and valleys. His cunning and ingenuity have led to several inventions, patents, and miracle cures.

We need the Dan Halens of this world, but there aren't too many left.

Dan's latest enterprise is a complicated model of culinary design:

Ain't Nuthin' But A Wing has been a testing establishment for finer palates in the North Georgia community, and Dan has always endeavored to bring consistent quality night after night.

Recently, Dan had his chefs experiment with various ingredients in order to create something that blends the major themes of southern cuisine. He invented a chicken that grew dozens of extra wings across its body, and would spew draught beer and ranch dressing for dipping:

Distinguished patrons Early and Granny are lucky enough to give the new dish a sophisticated evaluation for an anxious Dan Halen. After close examination of the chicken's succulent juices, Early determines that the chicken doesn't produce draught beer when you suck from its orifices, but instead bloodclots. Dan responds that the dish hasn't been completely cleared for commercial use, yet. They're still working out the flaws.

But he has been upfront about the tumors:Placemats and crayons at every table in Ain't Nuthin' But A Wing

It is pioneers like Dan Halen that keep our country what it is: opportunity and freedom. Where else could a man of his stature, barely 3 ft 3 inches, make this much of a mark on the world?

Dining among the local upper crest of North Georgia, the town sheriff calls Dan over to his table. "Are these chicken penises I'm eating?" he asks, betraying a hint of uneasiness:

Dan shows a flash of weariness, answering yet another tedious question about a minor detail in his long day. "Do I know if these are chicken penises in your basket?" he repeats the sheriff's question.

"Indeed, if they are chicken penises, then no doubt they are the best chicken penises money can buy, Sheriff", an exhausted Dan returns. If only the public knew what kind of hoops a restaurant owner goes through to please his customers.

"Well I'm gonna tell you that you're gonna have to make some changes if you expect to stay open", says the sheriff:

Meanwhile in the back, Early's pubescent squid son, Rusty, prepares another batch of the exotic fowl:

Although a strict man with his money, Dan's generosity is felt throughout the company. Employees like Rusty are allowed to sample the cuisine for free, provided they have finished hosing down the cages for the day.

Potent as they are, the experimental wings produce a (?)hallucinatory vision for young Rusty:

A talking chipmunk appears, and addresses poor Rusty's dilema of whether these chickens can reproduce or not. Then a talking tree also appears, and begins to explain nature to young Rusty:

"All things reproduce, Rusty, just as Nature intended", the wise old tree said. "The birds do it":
"The bees do it", he continued:
"Your father does it, Rusty. That's how you got here", he said:
"And look here, Rusty", said the tree, as he ripped a piece of bark from his trunk:

"Two wood slugs are going at it", the tree says to Rusty. "Uh-oh...there seems to be a third one joining in! Things are getting kinda weird", he said:

From here, the story goes on a bit until its end.

The amazing spawn of life is helped along by the steadfast work of geniuses like Dan Halen. You can learn more about Dan Halen's contribution to the fabric of American society here. Squidbillies airs on Adult Swim, Cartoon Network on Sunday nights when in season, sometimes during the week around midnight.


Aunrea said...

We need to do a Squidbillies marathon soon. <3

John Galt said...

I'm with you! I'll pop the popcorn. :-)